The dude with a PhD in Douchbagology

One of my closest girls received a “break up” text message last week and I have to say it truly infuriates me!  I have no tolerance for spineless, cowardly ass clowns that take the easy way out of a situation. 

If you’ve signed a lease or are putting your dick in someone’s vagina on a regular basis… then it’s no longer acceptable to end things thru a text message.  Put on your big boy panties and man up!  Having an adult conversation won’t kill you.

This tech savvy, email sending, text and instant messaging, snapchatable society that we live in today is breeding a mass of people with no social etiquette.  We are becoming lost in a society where you talk to friend’s everyday but never hear their voice or see their face outside of your computer screen or mobile device.  You’re identity depicted by avatars, witty profile pictures and hash tags.  #It’sdepressing

Technology is killing any normal social interactions between people… no one stops by for a cup of coffee or simple visit anymore.  These simple moments disappear with each cold mechanical text we send one another. 

There is no replacement for sitting on the patio with a coffee sharing stories and laughs.  The kind of laughs that make your cheeks hurt and your heart warm. 

HaterNation, Population: Whogivesacrap

I tried to do this thing where I only thought happy thoughts and didn’t let the negative energy of others plague my mind.  It’s really hard though. 

I mean, hey, I’m a happy little shit if you ever met one.  No really, if you’ve ever really met me then you know what I mean.  I laugh, I joke… most of the time I’m laughing at my own jokes.

 

Nonetheless, the assclowns that I’m surrounded by just never cease to amaze me.  People really just… suck.

I do have to toot-a-loo my own horn though.  My ability to recognize the behaviors in people that remind me of past demons is really on point.  Ok… maybe not on point cuz’ it seems to still be a slower process than I want it to be.  However, I’m getting better at cutting loose and avoiding “those kinds” of social parasites.

I’m so tired of the people who create all kinds of drama and then walk around acting like little victims.  Ummm… look asshole this is what happens when you act like a douchbag.  People don’t give a rat’s ass about your petty little feelings. 

Crazy little things I’ve learned about drama queens, douchbags and wondercunts.

1.     They are by far the most retarded of all retards.  I find it hilarious when someone I can’t stand tells me they don’t like me.  This affects me how?  What??  Now we won’t be friends?  You’re an idiot!!

2.     Wanna know the funniest tactic I’ve ever seen?  The moron that goes out of their way to make eye contact with you… I mean like they couldn’t be any more obvious about wanting your attention.  Just so they can give you a dirty look.  Umm… thanks for spending so much energy on me but you should probable know… I don’t give a shit.  You sir… need medication.

3.     They are always the victim, even when they are in the wrong.  Get caught talking shit about someone and they try blaming people for ratting them out.  Almost lose control of your car because you drive like assholes and they blame the car you were trying to cut off.  Complete fuck up your job or forget how or what you did, then they lie and say they were never trained. told or taught.  Get a clue Ass-munch-a-roo… people aren’t buying into your bullshit.

 

I could go on for days dissecting the pitiful behaviors displayed by the citizens of Haternation.  Luckily, I have my own life and it’s pretty awesome.  So I could care less what’s going on in their pathetic little lives.

See, over here in NoodleNation it’s all about enjoying the sunshine, chasing after my rainbows and calling fucktards out on their shit. 

Just a regular day in Paradise!

Just a girl... & her soap box

I’ve made the conscious choice to free myself of the Negative Nancy’s, the Bitter Betty’s, and the Overdramatic Wondercunts.  I’m too busy and too tired to listen to the obvious bullshit pouring from your mouth with a polite smile on my face.

               Fool me once?  Well, then, shame on me. 

                               Fool me twice?  Awe hellz naw bitch!! 

Here are 5 friendly Noodle Nation tips to remember.

1.       Stop the dramatics – Everyone loves a good story, but if you think your constant, unbelievable stories of what just happened to you are really that believable then move to Hollywood and become an actress/actor.  We notice your stories never stay the same… give it up.

2.      Stop talking negatively about everyone around you – If 4 people walk by you and you say 4 differently snide or rude comments about them.  It’s pretty obvious that you’ll do the same thing about me when I walk away.  No one trusts you!  Now I know what you’re thinking… “But Noodles, you talk shit all the time.”  Yes, you are correct.  I certainly do… but I talk shit TO people… not ABOUT people.  There is a difference.  I’ll spit the truth, and I’ll own up to it too.

3.      Quit your whining – Do you know who hates hanging out with someone that complains about every little thing?  Who sucks the joy out of every experience?  Everyone… no one wants to hear your constant childish complaints when you aren’t willing to do anything constructive about it.

4.      Proof read your emails/text – As much as I love a good argument, I feel no need to respond to people who are too drunk, high, or half r-tarded to spell words correctly; and/or who have completely missed full words in their messages.  Now that I’ve wasted the last 5 minutes deciphering your incoherent babble I’ve lost all interest.  Congratulations and good riddance!

5.      Don’t be a backstabber – You want to be friends?  Then stop your lying, and stop dropping my name into bullshit drama that I’m not involved with.  Sorry you got caught talking shit by someone, but trying to dirty my name so you can play victim is a tired ass game played by weak people.

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Don't let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you.

~ Les Brown

Maybe it is time to jump on that F’ing Zen train?

My morning usually starts off the same every day.  Wake up, grab my phone and read thru the latest Facebooks post from people I know or used to know or met once.  After that I throw on the first thing I see and take my 6 ½ pound pooch for her morning walk.  Then I preform my “mad dash” to get ready and out the door in time for work.

I checked out this Facebook post from “Graced by Grae” included the below article.  Intrigued… I believe it’s worth sharing.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5267/5-Ways-to-Let-Go-of-Your-Story.html

Dear self from yesterday… I think it’s time to leave you behind.

I think it’s time I redirect and refocused my mind set.  Time to let go of the oh so many things that weigh so heavily on my mind.  Things that hold me back from enjoying the short amount of time I have left here on the green side of Earth.

I mean… C’mon.  We can’t spend the rest of our lives focused so much on what other people are thinking of us, or what they say about us. 

Do their perceptions really shape who we are?

Why so much effort into everyone around us & not into ourselves?

You, yourself, as much as anybody

in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection - Buddha

Ain't dat da truf!!

Truths for Mature Humans

1.        I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.      Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3.       I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4.      There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5.      How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.      Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.       Map quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8.      Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9.      I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10.   Bad decisions make good stories.

11.   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12.   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?  I don’t want to have to restart my collection…. Again

13.   I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page reports that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.   “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

15.   I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.  What did you do after I didn’t’ answer?  Drop the phone and run away?

16.   I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

17.   I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.  (no joke I truly do!)

18.   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19.   I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20.  I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

21.   Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22.  I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. (This has Adam all over it!)

23.   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24.  I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25.  How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26.  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27.   Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty. Pants?  Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever!

28.  Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29.  There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30.   As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31.   Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32.   Even under ideals conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find  and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Recipe for Anal R’tardnation

Yesterday’s mail came with an invoice for tuition and I realized that opening any mail which comes from school still puts a smile on my face.  I love the feeling of enriching my life, the sense of accomplishment that comes with each passing year, and the act of reaching for my very own stars.

I wonder if I would have been this fascinated if I would have gone to college right out of high school?  No real way of telling but I’m sure if would have been much easier to balance work, school and the daily lives of a full functioning adult.  I wish I had the bills of an 18 year old.  How did I ever manage to survive on a paycheck less than my car payment?  Oh that’s right… I had no bills and I still lived with my parents.

With just two short weeks left of my summer vacation I’m under the gun to finish my summer cleaning and organizing.  Thanks to Google and Pinterest my plans are all coming together. 

I found this handy little print out at http://www.my3monsters.com/2011/09/housekeeping.html.  Women by nature are pretty visual people, and who doesn’t love a pretty little list.  I figure I can print this out every month and cross things off as I go.  The daily portions will be helpful to Adam who’s not sure what items should be done on the night that I’m at school until bedtime.  (I doubt he’s as excited about this little find as I am)

In addition to keeping things visual for myself, we’ve also implemented a chore schedule for the kids and have put the older of the 3 in charge as supervisor to make sure all jobs are done on time and preformed to the acceptable standards.  This ought to be interesting since I’m somewhat of a perfectionist and control freak when it comes to the way my house is organized and cleaned.  I don’t cut corners or half ass things.  I am my Mother’s daughter and you can tell by the way my towels are folded.  :)

Getting everyone into a better routine to help out with items around the house should take some of the stress of me while I’m away attempting to learn things with this old brain of mine.

  

In addition to the above list I found this helpful monthly list of deep cleaning projects that I adore!!  My plan is to make this into a magnet!  Cute right??  Oh… I… Know! 

Let the 2 weeks of decluttering, dejunking and over organizing begin!!

Good order is the foundation of all things.--Edmund Burke

Confessions of a 35 year old

Has anyone looked at the “anti-aging” aisle of your Target?  Good grief I feel like I need one of those cross reference catalogs like you find in the auto department for your oil filters and windshield wipers. 

I’m not just another year older… nor none the wiser, but I am a little more observant.  By little I mean very little so don’t be surprised if I don’t notice your new belt or bangle bracelet.  Well actually it’s not so much about others but myself and in that regard I really need to start taking better care of myself.

I have this irrational fear of becoming the old lady that thinks it’s ok to dress like a much younger person.  Everyone has seen this lady… I’m not talking Samantha from Sex in the City wearing the same dress as Miley Cyrus.  I’m talking the lady at the grocery store in the trendy ripped jeans and Aeropostale tee shirt.  Hey Lady… stop raiding your teenager’s closet!  You look ridiculous!

I took a gander through my closet and come across one Buckle outfit to another I realized I really need to re-wardrobe myself.  I can’t keep dressing like a bar hopping 20 something. So… how does a 35 year old dress??  Do I really have to trade in my punky “Sinful” attire for cardigans and loafers?

Is there a ligament reason most clothing stores only stock clothes for women under 25 and women over 45?  I don’t want to wear hello kitty tee shirts… nor do I want to wear anything with embroidered kittens all over it or mom jeans.  Can a girl just buy a tee shirt somewhere? 

I think I need a personal stylist.  More importantly I need a personal nutritionist and trainer.  I’ve heard your metabolism slows down when you get into your 30’s but I feel like mine went on hiatus.  Bitch.

Lots of changes coming, but they’re all towards being a healthier, happier and better ME. 

The safest principle through life, instead of reforming others, is to set about perfecting yourself.
B. R. Haydon